Friday, September 22, 2006

One Door SLAMMED In My Face

On Monday I got a "real kick in the teeth". Louise and Fran from The Monashee Spinners & Weavers group to which I had belonged for over three years came to talk to me. They told me that 4 years ago they had a very strong group with regular attendance from all the women involved, but it has been falling apart, so they had asked these women what they thought the problem was and the answer was me. I was told that they all feel uncomfortable around me, so they stopped attending the weekly gatherings and thus there had been no meetings over this summer. The group was falling apart because no one wanted to be around me. They wouldn't tell me what I had done wrong, just that it was "an energy thing" and I'm "just not a fit with the group". Whatever that means... and why did it take over 3 years for them to figure this out? Before they told me I am no longer welcome to come to the gatherings (it was obvious this was what they were getting at) I told them not to worry, they could go tell the women they can all come back now because I will no longer be a part of that group. Hey, what else could I do. I will not try to force myself onto people that don't want me around. I do, after all, have pride and self respect. Needless to say though, this was a very painful experience.

The rest of Monday I felt so awful. I cried and cried, and I wondered what was the matter with me. Why didn't anyone want to be around me? What had I done wrong to make them all throw me away like this? Like yesterdays garbage. I couldn't meditate that day (a new skill I'm developing) as I was just too hurt and too upset. However, talking to a couple friends on the phone did help a lot and got me through.

Tuesday was another day. I did my meditation and I did my journal writing.
While still in meditation I received the word "Powerful" and then "Gifted".
I wrote these down before even opening my eyes (hard to read later, but I knew what they said, lol). I then felt it was time to open my eyes and write, and this is what I did. It was a very interesting and revealing experience.

In part, this is some of what came up (the highlights):
- it is possible they feel "less than" when near me... my power and oneness with God Power is too strong for them. I am powerful and gifted and this could make others uncomfortable about themselves when in my presence.
- on my path to growth & higher consciousness I will have to leave many people behind... they will choose to leave my life as my consciousness grows and changes. These will be sad times but are a sign of my spiritual growth. As the inside changes so must the outside.
-grieve where I must and move on. Forgive them and bless them. Know they are doing the best they can with the understanding and awareness they have at this present time.
- I choose to bless each of them, to send them love, knowing that they too are God Expressing at whatever level they are at. I am grateful for the time spent with them & for all they taught me about spinning, weaving & life. I release them in Love & Light, wishing for them a joyful life.

So you see, Journal writing (another new skill) is already showing itself as a very powerful tool in my life. I don't feel those were "my" words, but are the words of "The Godness Within", showing me what I need to learn at this moment in time.



Anonymous said...

Hi Alice,

Thanks for stopping in on my blog and saying hello.

That must have been a really difficult experience. Even though I don't exactly consider myself a Christian anymore, I have a favourite book called, "The Enneagram" by Fr. Richard Rohr, and both my husband and I have found it an incredibly powerful tool for understanding personalities and how they interact. Apparently the Enneagram was originally developed by Sufis, who passed it on to Christian mystics, and so on.

Extremely interesting, and it certainly got my number. Wow - was he writing my life or something!? ;-0! What I really liked best about it was that it gets real about who we are and our weaknesses, and how we affect others, and how others affect us, and what we need to aim towards to bring out the best in ourselves and our relationships.

You're right, these sorts of situations are an opportunity, but oh, they're a hard sort of opportunity.

Alice said...

Hi Madcap,
Thanks for dropping by and leaving this nice message. Yes, it was a difficult experience, thought I am now way too busy to think too much about it, lol. I admit I do miss the group to some extent, but with taking 2 courses that both have homework, all the fall work to do here at home, the weaving I want to do before Christmas (for presents) and the volunteer work I do my plate runneth over already. I have no time to worry about spilt spinner/weaver group, lol.

Thanks for the name of the book. I checked the local library (online, gotta love that) and they have one called "Discovering the enneagram : an ancient tool for a new spiritual journey" by Richard Rohr. Is that the same one do you think? They also have 9 others about the enneagram, so lots to choose from. I don't consider myself a Christian either, never have, but I am very spritual. But likely there is lots of good stuff in these books for me to read anyway. So... after Christmas I will order them, one at a time, from the library. By then I should have time to read them. For now I've even had to put the Writers Group on the back burner as I just can't fit anything else in just now. It is good to be busy though. :o)

Anonymous said...

That would be the one. Hope you enjoy it!

Alice said...

Thanks. Me too. I certainly look forward to checking it out as it does sound like something I will enjoy.

Wildside Musing said...

I stumbled upon this post this AM after having written a vent of my own.

Oh Alice, I wonder what these people's problem is?! And they may be uncomfortable, but I don't think when it comes down to it, it actually is you... Although all you can deal with is the the "you" part of the equation and your reactions to this event.

A very odd and hurtful thing to occur! I am sorry... It sounds as if you are dealing with it well.

Alice said...

Wildside, thank you so much for your wonderful and supportive comment. This kind of support means a lot to me and is what helps me get thru the "tuff" times. Yes, a very hurtful thing, but I hope I've grown from the experience.

I'm working on a new weaving project now, so won't let this stop me from weaving and spinning. I haven't spun since the fair, but that is due to lack of time. At first I wasn't sure if I'd ever want to spin or weave again... but then the shock and initial pain wore off and I am determined not to let this stop me from these crafts/arts because 1- I like doing it and 2- I will not let "them" win.

Now off to read your vent :o)

kiwi said...

Belatedly catching up here Alice.... I am shocked to read of the actions of these "friends". I just know that I'd never have coped with this as well as you seem to have done. I admire your strength and courage. I feel sure that the group will be very much poorer for the loss of your abundant energy and humour. Take care.

Imma (a.k.a. ... Alice) said...

Thank you so much for your comment, Kiwi. It's so good to see you again. I've missed hearing from you. I hope this means you are nicely settled into your new home and "the pressure is off". Moves can be a lot of work.